Thoughts on emotional regulation and stress coping

The core essence of emotional regulation and stress response has never been "eliminating negative emotions" or "pursuing a zero-stress life". There is no universal formula that is universally applicable. The core is to find a flexible way of getting along that matches your own characteristics and the current scene. Allowing emotions to flow and leaving an outlet for stress is 100 times more effective than forcibly "holding it in" or "carrying it on".

The first time I really felt this truth was when I was doing an e-commerce promotion project on Double 11 last year. At that time, I only slept 4 hours a day for three weeks, and the demand schedule for the 8 activity pages on my hand was extremely crowded. Two hours before the launch, there was a cross-end adaptation bug. Users clicked on it to jump directly to last year’s activity page, and there were hundreds of @me messages in the operations group. It’s embarrassing to say it. I shed tears in front of the three interns in my team when I saw the error code filling the screen.

At first, I remembered the mindfulness tutorial I had watched before, and forced myself to close my eyes and take a deep breath. However, all I could think about was "If the event blows up, this quarter's OKRs will be ruined." The more I breathed, the faster I breathed, and I almost cried. Later, I simply smashed the can, ran to the fire escape with my phone, squatted for 5 minutes, ate half a bag of orange gummy candies I brought with me, and sent a 20-second voice message to my mother saying "I'm so tired today." I wiped my face and went back to fix the bug without waiting for her reply. Instead, I suddenly calmed down, and the problem was solved in half an hour.

At first I thought this was a temporary emergency, but it wasn’t until I talked about it with a friend who was doing psychological counseling that I discovered that different people’s understanding of emotional regulation is quite different. Friends who engage in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) laugh at me as a "temporary patch that only treats the symptoms but not the root cause." They say that what I really want to change is the catastrophic thinking of "one mistake and it's all over". Only by overcoming the irrational beliefs can I avoid collapse next time when I encounter a similar situation. ； But another friend who works in humanistic counseling disagrees. She said, “Why doesn’t crying count as adjustment? You allow yourself to show weakness, allow yourself to be unable to bear it at the moment, and do not criticize yourself twice, which is the most effective healing in itself." This is also interesting to say. With the development of psychology to this day, there is no unified answer to the path of emotion regulation. We have to fight for "which method is more advanced", but we fall behind.

The saying that "emotional stability is the most suitable for adults" that has been very controversial on the Internet is actually two views each holding half. Some people think this is putting moral shackles on adults and requiring them not to have negative emotions. In essence, it encourages suppression. ； Some people also say that "stability" here refers to not being led by emotions to make impulsive decisions. It does not mean not being allowed to cry or get angry. On the contrary, I think you don’t have to worry about words. If you are naturally straight-tempered, it is better to curse on the spot when you are wronged than to hold it in your heart. If you are used to digesting everything by yourself, no one will say you are not an adult even if you cry behind closed doors for a day. The key is not to let emotions accumulate in your heart.

I have seen a 2023 workplace mental health survey by the Institute of Psychology, Chinese Academy of Sciences. It said that nearly 60% of people have tried at least three "hot-selling emotion regulation methods" spread online, but less than 20% of people can stick to them for a long time. The core reason why most people feel "useless" is that the methods are completely incompatible with their own habits. Just like my social-phobic roommate, I saw a blogger saying that when she was stressed, she should find friends to complain about, so she decided to ask her best friend to go out to sing karaoke. When she came back, she was so tired that she lay down for two days and said, "Talking to people consumes more energy than working overtime." Later, she tried playing Lego when she was stressed, and all her worries disappeared after working for an afternoon. The effect was better than anything else. To put it bluntly, pressure is like holding sand in your hand. If you have to hold it according to the shape of other people's hands, it will either leak out or make your own hands hurt. It is the last word to make your hands feel comfortable.

I myself have stepped into many pitfalls of copying methods before. In the past two years, I read that many people said that the secret of French women's emotional management is to get up early and meditate for 10 minutes every day. I forced myself to sit for a week and became more anxious every morning because I couldn't calm down. In the end, I simply gave up and instead went out in the morning to walk half a circle around the small garden downstairs and watch the uncle and auntie do Tai Chi for a while. On the contrary, I felt relaxed. There was a time when I believed in "exercise to get endorphins when I'm stressed out". I didn't like running myself, and my knees hurt after running for three days for half a month. Later, when I was stressed out, I went to the vegetable market to look at the red tomatoes and juicy vegetables, and bought half a box of freshly baked chestnuts with sugar. I ate them while walking. After 20 minutes of shopping, I was so warmed by the fireworks that I forgot all about KPIs and bugs.

Gradually, I tried more and more, and I also built up a set of my own "wild road" adjustment tool kit: when I stayed up late working on a project and couldn't think straight, I would take a super sour lemon candy. It was so sour that I instantly regained my consciousness.； After an argument with a colleague, when you are so angry that your hands are shaking, wash your face with cold water and make three faces in the mirror. It is much more effective than counting to 10. ； If you are under constant stress for a month or two, make an appointment for a short hike on the weekend in advance, turn off your cell phone, go to the mountains to step on fallen leaves, and listen to the sound of the wind blowing through the trees, which is 10 times more decompressing than lying at home and scrolling through your cell phone.

Until now, I have not developed any "invulnerable" emotional management skills. When I was rushing for the quarterly report last month, I was secretly wiping tears in the tea room. A new post-00 intern bumped into me and handed me a package of spicy konjac snacks without saying anything. We squatted in the corner of the tea room and ate the whole package. It was so spicy that it was so spicy. We looked at each other and suddenly laughed, feeling that there was nothing we couldn't overcome.

To put it bluntly, emotions are like a sudden thunderstorm in the summer. If you insist on holding an umbrella and rush forward, you will easily get a mouthful of water. It is better to find an eaves and stand for a while. When it is over, you can continue to walk on the same path. No matter what high-end theory or perfect process is needed, the method that can make you feel comfortable and slow down is the best method.