Comprehensive development of children's mental health

Many parents and educators ask me, what are the core standards for the comprehensive development of children's mental health? Does it mean that as long as the child is not diagnosed with depression or anxiety, it meets the standard?

The answer is clear: the comprehensive development of children's mental health has never been a negative standard of "health without disease", but a dynamic balance of four dimensions: emotional regulation ability, stable self-identity, basic social adaptability, and moderate resistance to frustration. There is no unified template that is universally applicable, nor can it rely solely on the efforts of the family or school. It must be dynamically adjusted based on the child's natural temperament and growth environment.

Last Wednesday in the clinic, I met a mother who dragged her 8-year-old Haohao in. As soon as she sat down, she hurriedly said, "Doctor, look at it quickly. My baby has been biting his nails so hard that his fingertips are bleeding. He hid in the quilt and cried the night before the exam. We usually enroll him in the best interest classes, and we have never lost money on food and clothing. How can he have psychological problems?" ”I chatted with Haohao alone for 20 minutes before the little guy picked at the corner of his clothes and said that the first thing his mother said after school every day was to ask, "How many points did you get on today's test?" Last time, he drew a picture of his favorite dinosaur and showed it to his mother. Her mother glanced at it and said, "Wouldn't it be nice to do two more math questions during this time?"

Don't tell me, I have seen this kind of parents too many times. They always feel that providing sufficient material conditions is good for their children, and completely ignore the psychological needs. But don't rush to scold the parents when it comes to this. Different academic schools have different views on this matter. For example, counselors with a psychoanalytic orientation will most likely say that the root cause of Haohao's problem is that the caregiver did not provide enough "holding environment." According to Winnicott, it is to be a "good enough mother." You don't have to be 100 points, 60 points is enough - when the child wants to show the painting, you look at it carefully, and when the child falls in pain and cries, don't call him a coward, that's enough. However, behaviorist consultants may feel that there is no need to go that far and just formulate a behavior modification plan for parents: talk to the children for 10 minutes about interesting things about school every day after school, then mention studies, and give positive feedback immediately when the children take the initiative to express their emotions. If you stick to it for a month, you will see the results. The positive psychology programs used by many schools now are even more different. Instead of focusing on Haohao's nail-biting and test anxiety problems, they will explore his strengths - for example, Haohao likes dinosaurs and remembers paleontological knowledge very well. Then it is better to let him make a small sharing in class meetings to build up his self-confidence first, and his emotional problems will naturally be alleviated.

Which one do you think is right? In fact, they all make sense, and the effects on different children vary greatly. Last month, I went to a rural primary school in Guizhou for a psychological screening. Before, many people assumed that the mental health level of left-behind children must be lower. But when I went there, I found that many children whose parents work outside the home and live with their grandparents are actually better able to withstand setbacks than those in many cities who are surrounded by four elderly people and two parents. What particularly impressed me was a 10-year-old girl named Amei. Her parents worked in Zhejiang and came back once a year. She had to walk 40 minutes to and from school every day, and she had to take care of her 5-year-old brother. I asked her if she felt aggrieved. She shook her pigtails with wild flowers and said, "No, I ranked third in the class this time. My mother said she would buy me new watercolor pens for the New Year, and I also have to teach my brother how to draw." If you apply the so-called "perfect parenting template", A-mei's growing environment must be "unqualified", but her sense of self-identity, resistance to frustration, and social adaptability are stronger than many urban children. Can you say that she is mentally unhealthy?

Of course, this does not mean that free-range food is necessarily good. Not long ago, I picked up a 12-year-old girl. Her parents were in business. They usually didn’t have time to care about her and gave her whatever she wanted. As a result, she watched too many short videos. She felt that her legs were thick and her skin was dark, and she was not as good as the Internet celebrities in the videos. She dieted secretly for half a year, and finally developed an eating disorder. She weighed only 60 pounds when she was sent to me. You can't always say "it's the child's own problem" in this situation, right? Nowadays, the entire Internet environment has a great impact on minors, as well as the social pressure and academic pressure in school. How can parents alone solve this problem?

Many parents always chase me for a "Children's Mental Health Care Checklist", but I can't provide it every time. If there are any small things that can be implemented, I would rather suggest that you try the "10 Minutes Nonsense Time" first: take 10 minutes every day, no matter what your child tells you - even if it's about ants moving, Ultraman fighting monsters, or your deskmate borrowing half of his eraser today but not returning it - don't judge, don't make sense, don't talk about studying, just listen, and just respond occasionally. Don't underestimate these 10 minutes. I have seen too many children's emotional problems start from "no one understands even if I tell you."

Oh, by the way, there is another common misunderstanding that I would like to mention: Don’t always think that “there is something to worry about when your child is young”, and don’t label your child as having a “psychological problem” as soon as you see that your child is not feeling well. Some children are born slow and afraid to speak when meeting strangers, which is not a problem of introversion. Some children are naturally energetic and cannot sit still, which is not ADHD. The so-called "comprehensive development" has never been about making all children into a standard mold.

I have been working in the field of child psychology for almost 10 years and have met thousands of children. I really feel that mental health is like growing plants - some flowers like the sun, some flowers like the shade, some bloom in spring, and some bloom in winter. You can't grow orchids the same way you grow roses, right? The so-called all-round development, to put it bluntly, is to give enough appropriate nutrients to let him know that no matter what he does, he is loved, dare to hide when it is windy or rainy, dare to cry when it hurts after falling, and continue to bask in the sun after crying, and continue to grow, that is enough. If you are really not sure, ask a regular child psychologist. Don't blindly Baidu and worry blindly, it is better than anything else.